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Welcome to my wonderful world of jokes! My friends send me jokes and cartoons all the time. I have decided to share them with everyone on my newest page. Jokes and cartoons will be updated every time I get a new, REALLY GOOD one in. Thank you to all who contribute! |
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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out." |
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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice: "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called! Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay, bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" "Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!" |
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The husband had finished his book, "Man of the House," by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, and said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife said "The funeral director." This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. |
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Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 3... 1 to hold the bulb and 2 to spin the ladder. As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me while my eyes were closed, unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, & what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you slowly sucked me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake, waiting for you.... You fucking mosquito. |
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<<--- What do bored radiology students do on weekends??? A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for . And she did. Before he left in the morning,he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his scretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for and enclosed a note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: (1) it had never been occupied; (2) that there was plenty of heat; (3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. |
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<<<--- I think this REALLY happened! A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?" "Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely." "But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman. "But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected. "That's true; but you have all the equipment." |
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I read an artical that said "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the thing's you've started." So, I looked around the house to see all the thing's I've started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua, and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin good I feel! A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." |